• Main
• Movies
• About the Kids
• Fun Stuff
• Blog

Exactly as it was written... Pretty much how it turned out.

MOSES and the
Battle for the Upper Hand
Screenplay
copyright © 2006-2007 The Lund Family

3rd revision


Key:

EXT. = Exterior Shot
INT. = Interior Shot
LS = Long Shot
MS = Medium Shot
C/U = Close Up
P.O.V. = Point of View

Camera Movements:

Crab = Move Left or Right
Boom = Move Up or Down
Pan = Pivot Left or Right
Tilt = Pivot Up or Down
Dolly = Move In or Out
Zoom = Zoom In or Out


Scene #1 - Opening Sequence

EXT. Desert - Day

Blackness. The typical beginning to any movie... The title, "A long time ago in a land, not exactly flowing with milk and honey..." fades in. After a pause, the title fades out. Suddenly, the tent flap flies open, the music starts, and we are looking out at a barren desert with a small crowd of Israelites a short distance out, conversing amongst themselves. A small boy, (we'll call him Johnny) marches out towards the gathering.

JOHNNY passes by a well. Several pitiful children are holding empty cups while a larger person draws the bucket out of the well. Everyone heaves a disappointed sigh when the bucket is tipped and nothing but sand pours out.

JOHNNY enters the crowd, and pushes between two people. The crowd of Israelites are grumbling about a lack of water and the fact that Moses led them out into a wasteland. Children are hanging onto their mother’s robes and whining about being thirsty. We see some interesting P.O.V. shots from JOHNNY'S low angle as he passes through the gathering.

We see a view that is initially blocked by a few gabby Israelites. The camera booms up slowly, and, as the camera passes over the heads of the chatterboxes, we see JOHNNY about twenty feet out, making his way towards a large tent. As the camera continues to boom up, the title "MOSES and the Battle for the Upper Hand" appears.

Glancing about nervously, JONNY opens the tent flap and peers in. We see a nicely furnished tent with an old man sitting cross-legged in the far corner, deeply absorbed with writing in a large book entitled “Exodus.”


Scene #2 - First Tent Scene

INT. Tent - Day

Entering the tent, JOHNNY slowly approaches the old man. JOHNNY hesitates, then moves closer until he is just a few feet away.

JOHNNY (Mumbling, nervous at first)
“Um, I’m really thirsty an’ there isn’t any water an’.........cows are dying an’.....really want a drink.....”

The old man appears oblivious to the whining, and his brow furrows deeply as he continues to write.

JOHNNY (Louder)
“....no water fer' days......dry mouth after manna bread for breakfast....super duper thirsty...”

The brow sinks lower and the old man is writing furiously at his book. Suddenly, overcome by the annoyance, the book comes slamming down.

MOSES
“WHAT???!!......Do you want?”

The boy is stunned for a second.

JOHNNY
“Um, there isn’t any water anywhere an’ I’m thirsty...”

MOSES
“What do you want me to do about it? Go chew on a cactus or something and give me a little peace and quiet.”

MOSES heaves a deep sigh as the boy leaves. Picking up his book, he returns to his writing. With that, the tent flap flies open and

GIRL (Very loudly)
“All right, what is the big idea of leading us into this barren desert where we don’t even have WATER to drink?? What kind of a leader are you? Does God know about this? Does he enjoy watching us choke down that dry manna bread with nothing to drink?”

As the girl rants, MOSES’ book slowly lowers and we see a very, VERY stern look on Moses’ bearded face.

GIRL
“All I can say is-”

MOSES drops the book and jumps to his feet.

MOSES
“You’ve said quite enough, young lady! You people are lucky God hasn’t struck you all down with lighting for the way you grumble and complain! First you want food, now you want water, what will you want NEXT?? A seven course meal?!"

MOSES is pushing her towards the door.

MOSES
"Do you want to go back to being slaves in Egypt? Huh? Is that what you want?”

MOSES (looking heavenward)
“Oh, my... (sigh) Lord, what’s a person to do with such a stiff-necked and crooked people? When will they learn to see and accept your will in all of this, and that, if you wanted them to have water, you would have provided it?"

Shaking his head slowly, he sits back down and opens his book. He mutters to himself as he flips through the pages.

MOSES
“Ah, let’s see here... Where was I now? Lead the people out of slavery...crossed the red sea... Ok, here we are. Uh.. hold on. No, this is dated a week ago--I don't even remember writing this. God appeared to me and said in regards to his peoples' plea for water, ‘Take your staff and walk ahead of the people. I will be with you by the rock. Strike the rock, and water will come pouring out for all the people to drink.’"

MOSES looks up with a blank stare for a minute, and then drops his book, throws on a garb and grabs his staff.

MOSES (Muttering)
“Ya’ gotta love getting old.”

MOSES pauses before leaving the tent.

MOSES (With a sigh)
“That memory just aint' what it was a century ago.”


Scene #3 - Well Scene

EXT. Desert - Day

Moses leaves the tent and pauses after a few steps. A faint sizzling sound is heard. Moses frowns and takes a couple sniffs. Alarmed, he suddenly looks down at his bare feet, standing unprotected on the sun-scorched sand. After some smoke, screaming and loud muttering, MOSES comes back out of the tent wearing his sandals.

Two Israelites are conversing.

Israelite 1
"...Yeah, and no sooner had I put the finishing touches on my miniature replica sand castle of the Great Pyramid of Giza, my uncle's camel comes and steps right in the middle of it."

Israelite 2
"Ouch."

Israelite 1
"Yeah.. I tried to give 'im a kick but he spit in my face..."

MOSES (walking across the bottom of the screen)
"Alright, people. Quiet, quiet! Listen up!"


Pushing to the center of the gathering, he raises his staff for attention, puffs himself up and makes an announcement:

MOSES
"Good news, everybody! The Lord has heard your plea and will (AGAIN) grant your request. I tell you, before your very eyes the Lord will bring forth an abundance of water from a rock to satisfy your thirst!....(Pause for effect!)"

Silence.

Israelite
"What rock?"

After a quick scan of the ground, there is in fact, no rock to be seen.

MOSES (under his breath, and looking heavenward)
"He's got a point..."

We see a view of the planet earth from outer space, and can hear the faint arguing of the people.

Israelite
"Where are we gonna find a rock in THIS desert?"

Another Israelite
"Yeah Moses, and just how dumb do you think we are, anyways? Water from a rock?! That's gotta be the most ridicules thing I've ever heard!"

As the grumbling continues, a meteorite passes the camera, headed directly for earth.

Back on the planet's surface...

Yet Another Israelite
"Boy Moses, Pharaoh was smarter than that..."

MOSES has had enough of the people's snide remarks, and takes the offensive.

MOSES
"Alright, people! If God WANTED to provide us with water, He'd provide us with water. WHY He'd want to is waaay beyond me! He's had an awful lot of patience with the whole ungrateful lot of you as it is, and it's anyone's guess as to why He's continued to sustain you the way he has!

As MOSES preaches, a large shadow falls over the gathering. All the Israelites slowly look up.

MOSES
"You people could at least LOOK at me when I'm talking to you!!"

The Israelites quickly fix their attention on MOSES. The shadow's size decreases, and it centers over MOSES, who is unaware.

MOSES
"Now, God told me that he would give us all the water we wanted. And, he told me that it would come from a rock!"

The Israelites heads remain fixed, but their eyes drift skyward again. MOSES takes a step forward, and a fist-sized stone whizzes by, inches from his head and lands with a loud, ground-shaking thud behind him.

MOSES pauses, and glances around at the sound. He thumps his foot on the ground. Shrugging, he continues his dissertation, while all the Israelites are gaping in astonishment at the small, smoldering rock behind him. He notices their intense gaze and looks around.

MOSES
"God wouldn't have said that if.. there was no... Rock! You silly people! There was a rock sitting right here the whole time! What did I tell you?"

MOSES bends down to pick up the smoldering stone. We see another view of the globe from outer space, and hear a distant scream.

MOSES (juggling the rock like a hot potato)
"Ow, ow! Hot! Hot rock! Hot! Can everybody see? Oooh, over here. I'll set it up here. Gather around everybody! Who's ready for a nice cold drink?"

A bunch of kids are excitedly holding up empty cups, eagerly awaiting the miracle.

MOSES sets the stone up on the rim of the well, gitty with excitement. All of the people gather around. MOSES raises his staff, pausing for effect. Then, with a mighty heave, the staff comes smashing down on the stone. Well, close to it, anyway. MOSES' aim was only off by about two inches, but that's all it took. With a small flip, the stone tumbles down into the well.

MOSES is seated in the bucket, dangling over the well. His staff in one hand, the rope in the other. A line of several Israelites begin letting rope out slowly. MOSES mutters to himself as he descends into the hole.

MOSES (under his breath)
"Stupid, bumbling thirsty Israelites... Hrmph, cramped...bucket..."

His muttering continues to echo out as he is lowered deeper.

Israelite
"SNAKE!!!"

People begin running around franticly. The rope is being abandoned by one person after another.

MOSES (echoing from within the well)
"Eh? What's that? Snake? What sna-"

With that, the last person lets go of the rope and MOSES falls helplessly into the well.

Small Israelite (picking up end of rope amid the chaos)
"Guys, it's not a snake! It's just the end of the rope!"


With that, the rope gets yanked out of the boy's hand, whips over the edge of the well and disappears.

THUD!!

MOSES (shouting up from the bottom of the well)
"Why you stupid, boneheaded, stiff-necked people!! Of all the-what's this? What's this? AHHHH! SNAKE!!! Oh, wait a sec, it's just the end of the rope. Hehe..-THE END OF THE ROPE??? I can't believe it! I'm stuck down here! That does it. There will be no mercy on you foolish people! Hail! Brimstone! Oh, and frogs too!! Lots of frogs!!!.....

A fading transition tells us that this has gone on for awhile. A bunch of Israelites sitting around near the well, listening to MOSES' ranting.

MOSES
"....Famine! Flies! Disease!... Uh, Lice!...."

Finally, his voice fades out.

Israelite (Yelling into the well)
"Are you finished yet?"

MOSES
"FINISHED? You stiff-necked boneheaded Israelite!? I'm just getting STARTED! My *cough* throat is just getting soar, that's all... I'd give my best sandals for a glass of water right now... What am I saying? Just a whack at this rock and goodbye thirstiness! ...Hehe, I'll bet it's really hot up there, isn't it? Bet you're all pretty thirsty, huh? Tsk tsk... That's too bad! I'll be sure to let you all know how crisp and refreshing this nice, cold water will be! Ok.. Bottoms' up!"

SMACK!........SMACK! SMACK!

MOSES
"Ooooh, here comes the water! Aaaaah... Feels nice and cool on my feet! Hmmm.. It's coming out faster than I expected! Woah... Real fast! Uh...."

Some loud gushing noises emit forth from the well, followed by MOSES shooting up into the air by a great geyser of water. MOSES' staff, along with the bucket he was sitting in and his sandals also come shooting out.

MOSES
"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEAAHHHHAHAHA!!!"

The Israelites stand with their mouths half-open, totally engrossed in the scene.

MOSES lands on his feet, facing the people. A very grave expression is on his face. Without blinking an eye, he stretches out his hand and catches his staff.

MOSES
"Well-"

A sandal lands square on his head.

MOSES
"Welll..."

The second sandal strikes home.

MOSES
"Ya' happy?!"

JOHNNY (breaking the silence)
"Wow, do that again!!"

With that, the bucket lands upside-down on MOSES head, who stumbles and falls unconscious.


---------------------COMMERCIAL BREAK-------------------

Home 'n Stead all-natural soap with "EM's", efficient micro-organisms that actually break down and eat those nasty dirty dirty dirt buggies, leaving you feeling clean and healthy with an overall sense of well being! Home 'n Stead probiotic soap is THE one and only soap preferred by prophets and holy people!

(Silence as Moses scrubs himself in bathtub with rubber ducky and home 'n stead bar of soap.) "Woah, GUYS! Can't a fella have a little privacy?"

Clean 'em with EMs! Visit us on the web at home dash n dash stead dot com slash soaps! Possible side-effects include cleanliness, freedom from dirt, sanitation and an addiction to home 'n stead probiotic soap. Batteries not included.


Scene #4 - Second Tent Scene

INT. Tent - Day

P.O.V. A blurry image of the tent ceiling fades into view.

MOSES groans as he feels his bandaged head. Suddenly, he jumps to his feet and rushes to the tent entrance. Peering outside, he is delighted to see no grumpy Israelites headed his way. Shuffling over to his book gitty with excitement, he plops down on the mat. Opening the book, he snatches his quill pen and begins to write. With that, the tent flap flies open and GENERAL T.J. marches in. MOSES jumps.

GENERAL T.J. (breathlessly)
"Sir, we are being attacked!! Amalek's army is-"

MOSES
"My dear fellow, has it ever occurred to you people that I might want to be left ALONE for a single moment of my life?!"

MOSES gets to his feet and paces in front of GENERAL T.J.

MOSES
"Of all the--"

MOSES freezes with his back to GENERAL T.J. He slowly turns.

MOSES
"Uh, who's army?"

GENERAL T.J.
"The army of Amalek, sir. They have risen against us, and are advancing even as we speak! We are at war!!"

MOSES
"Are they close?"

GENERAL T.J. (Peeping out the front of the tent)
"Very close, sir."

MOSES appears stunned for a second. Then, his face slowly cracks into a smile.

MOSES
"Perfect!"

MOSES excitedly sits himself back down with his book.

GENERAL T.J.
"Sir?"

MOSES
"Oh it's just perfect! My book has been so dry lately. This is just what I needed to liven it up a little, add a bit of excitement!"

MOSES (talking to himself as he writes)
"Adventure! Drama! Peril!"

GENERAL T.J.
"Sir, this is war!"

MOSES
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, go take care of it and leave me alone."

GENERAL T.J.
"But we're outnumbered ten to one, sir, we don't stand a chance!"

MOSES
"Ooooh, even more exciting!"

GENERAL T.J.
"We are going to die!"

MOSES (Looking up)
"That would make for a kind of disappointing ending... Oh well."

MOSES returns to his writing.

GENERAL T.J.
"Si-"

MOSES
"YE OF LITTLE FAITH!! How many times must God protect and provide for you before you'll learn to trust in him? Now, relax. We'll call upon a plague of locusts or something."

GENERAL T.J.
"Grasshoppers."

MOSES
"Yeah, gras- well, it doesn't have to be grasshoppers. Could be a disease like leprosy or something."

GENERAL T.J. (sarcastic)
"Oh, that's a great idea! Leprosy! Suurrre... That oughta' kill 'em off.. IN ABOUT EIGHT YEARS!"

MOSES gets very flustered, snatches his walking staff from the corner and wiggles it menacingly under GENERAL T.J.'s nose.

MOSES
"Now you listen to me, young man! I've bonked more than a few of your disrespectful type in my day!"

GENERAL T.J. (Calming MOSES down)
"I'm sorry sir, I'm sorry. It's just that, well, I'm a bit stressed over the situation."

MOSES pouts, then takes a few steps away and regains his composure.

MOSES
"I've got it! A famine!!"

GENERAL T.J.
"Those bloodthirsty cutthroats have more on their mind than dinner right now, sir!!"

MOSES loses it, and starts approaching GENERAL T.J., staff poised over his head.

GENERAL T.J.
"Now, hold on,sir. Let's not do anything we'll regret later."

MOSES
"If you're so smart, then why don't you just fight 'em and leave me alone?!"

GENERAL T.J. leaves the tent.

MOSES (Calling after him)
"And keep it quiet!"

MOSES writes peacefully for a few moments, when suddenly the tent is filled with a great, blinding light.

MOSES
"AAAAAHHH!!!! ...My..eyes..."

GOD
"Moses..."

MOSES (sputtering)
"Yeah, just a minute..."

Groping around, MOSES pulls up a pair of sunglasses. He puts them on with a sigh of relief.

MOSES
"You know I hate it when you do that..."

GOD
"Moses... You shall defeat the army of Amalek. Take thy staff in your hand, for thus says the Lord; as surely as you hold it heavenward, the Israelites will prevail, and my people will not perish."

Long pause...

MOSES
"Righhhht... Are you meaning to tell me, that I'm supposed to-"

KABOOOM!!!

The tent shakes with thunder and whites out from the lightning. Then, all the light fades, and we see MOSES frozen mid-sentence, staring at the camera with a petrified expression.

MOSES
"Uh, ok then."

MOSES' expression changes to one of determination. He jumps to his feet, throws on his robe and makes a triumphant pose with his staff.

MOSES
"Off, to fight for freedom, and, LIBERTY!!"

MOSES marches out the door. A few seconds of sizzling and screaming later, he rushes back in, throws his sandals on and storms back out.


Scene #5 - Battle Scene

EXT. Desert - Day

The Israelites are lined up in a row to meet the enemy. They are armed with quite an assortment of weapons.. Pitchforks, shovels, rakes, you name it. They look scared out of their wits.

For the first time, we see the army of Amalek. Charging directly towards our small group are several dozen, three-foot tall soldiers, covered in armor. They all look identical, and carry the same type of spear.

GENERAL T.J. prepares the Israelites for battle.

GENERAL T.J.
"Stand your ground, men!"

The massive army of Amalek is now within a couple hundred yards of the people.

GENERAL T.J.
This is it, soldiers. This is the day when we fight. When we fight for freedom, for justice. Let us be brave! If we die, we die with honor. We will not back down!

A dramatic pause.

GENERAL T.J.
"Let's go, NOW!!!"

SMALL ISRAELITE
"Good idea."

With that, the small group of Israelites turn on their heels, drop their weapons and flee for their lives in the other direction. GENERAL T.J. finds himself the only one running up to meet the army. After a quick assessment of the situation, he too drops his weapon and runs to catch up with the others.

MOSES arrives at the top of a small hill, just in time to see all the Israelites running by at top speed with the army of Amalek close behind.

Looking to heaven, MOSES closes his eyes, pauses for a climatic second, then raises his staff over his head with both hands. As the staff reaches it's peak, there is a flash of light and a low rumble.

After a few moments of silence, the whole army of Amalek is suddenly stricken with terror, turns on their heels and flee in the opposite direction. The Israelites are close behind, chasing them down.

MOSES drops his staff to scratch his nose.

The army of Amalek is chasing the terrified Israelites.

Staff goes back up.

Israelites are chasing Amalekites.

All is well, until MOSES encounters a pesky fly, which is tormenting MOSES in his helpless, arms up state. After much puffing and squinting, the fly lands on MOSES' nose. Very carefully, MOSES lowers his staff until it is in line with his face. He takes careful aim....

With a loud "SMACK!", MOSES collapses to the ground with his feet in the air.

Of course, now the Israelites are losing...

Two observant Israelites notice MOSES' condition. Scrambling to the top of the hill, they help MOSES to his feet and hold his staff in the air. MOSES knees are still kind of wobbly, so they continue to support him.

After the battle is going well, MOSES' two supporters are eager to get back in the action. Glancing around, they snatch two forked sticks and prop them under MOSES' staff, one on the left and one on the right. After they skip back down the hill, the camera pans back and we see that the sticks were a little too long, as MOSES is hanging from his staff with his feet a good foot and a half off the ground, like so much laundry hung out to dry.

The Israelites are chasing the poor Amalekites all over the place.. One Amalekite soldier notices MOSES dangling from his staff atop the hill. An evil grin crawls over his face. Dropping his spear, the soldier sneaks up the hill, approaching MOSES from behind. MOSES is unaware of the situation, until the soldier pops up behind him and starts tickling MOSES relentlessly. MOSES' legs flail uncontrollably, as the soldier continues to torture him. Then, MOSES manages to land a whopper of a kick right in the soldier's jaw that throws him to the ground. With a little hop, MOSES jumps down from the forked sticks with his staff and proceeds to get revenge on the soldier.

BONG! DONG! DING!

With every blow, the poor soldier's helmet receives another dent.

Up with the staff.

Down with the staff.

Up with the staff.

Down with the staff.... We know what that means. Back and forth goes the battle, until the army of Amalek has finally had enough, and they all run into the distance. The Israelites group together and shake their fists at the retreating cowards while MOSES holds his staff up in the background.

ISRAELITE
"That's it, run away, BABIES!"

ANOTHER ISRAELITE
"You guys are just lucky we went easy on ya'!"

With that, the whole army of Amalek stops, turns boldly and faces the Israelites. All of the Israelites gasp and take a step back. Then the camera zooms in on MOSES, who holds his staff back up and winks.


Scene #6 - Credits

INT. Tent - Day

MOSES sits down, opens his book, and begins to write. Looking over his shoulder, we see him writing down the cast credits:

CAST:

Israelite Boy - Johnny Lund
Israelite Hick with the Beard - Mary Lund
Another Israelite - Annie Lund
General TJ - Theresa Lund
The Big Israelite - Andrew Lund
Jake - Stephen Lund
The Army of Amalek - michael lund

MOSES - STEPHEN LUND

As MOSES is embellishing the "Stephen Lund" name, some music with a catchy beat starts in the background. His mumbling starts going with the beat, until he is overcome and throws the book down, jumps up, grabs a mic, throws on his sunglasses and starts singing. Well, trying to, anyways.. Not that he has a bad voice for a 100 year old guy, but he can't come up with two coherent verses that rhyme to save his life. After working himself into a corner, he finally ditches the mic altogether and just dances. The camera zooms out, and the rest of the credits roll around him.

The End.


copyright © 2007 The Lund Family
Lund Family Productions